Ep729: Kim Ades – Slow It Down

Andrew Stotz 00:02
Hello, fellow risk takers, and welcome to my worst investment ever stories of loss to keep you winning in our community. We know that to win in investing, you must take risk. But to win big, you've got to reduce it. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm on a mission to help 1 million people reduce risk in their lives. And I want to thank you for joining that mission today. Fellow risk takers, this is your worst podcast host, Andrew Stotz. And I'm here with featured guest, Kim Ades. Kim, are you ready to join the mission?

Kim Ades 00:35
I am ready to rock and roll and enjoy the mission.

Andrew Stotz 00:38
All right. Well, I'm excited to have you on. And I think it's interesting what you're doing. And so let me introduce you to the audience. Kim is the founder of frame of mine coaching, and co founder of the journal that talks back. recognized as a pioneer in the field of leadership coaching and thought mastery, Kim uses her unique philosophy and quirky coaching style, to help leaders identify their blind spots and learn to direct their thinking to achieve extraordinary results. author, speaker, entrepreneur, coach and mom of five Kim's claim to fame is teaching her powerful coaching process to leaders, executives, and entrepreneurs worldwide. Kim, take a minute and tell us about the unique value you are bringing to this wonderful world.

Kim Ades 01:29
The unique value is that we've been coaching leaders, executives and entrepreneurs for nearly 20 years. And we have a very, very unique and unusual approach to coaching. And I can tell you a lot more about it. But I would say that that is the absolute value we bring to the world.

Andrew Stotz 01:47
Okay, that's got me interested in also some of the other things in your bio like quirky, quirky. The maybe first thing is like, what's the ideal, you know, person that you work with that, like, what's this challenge that they're facing? What's the struggle? Maybe tell us about that.

Kim Ades 02:09
So we typically work with what I call the highly driven population, people who are already achievers in some capacity, but they feel like they haven't gotten to maximize their potential yet, they aren't where they want to be. And they typically have four things in common number one is that they feel very isolated and alone, they feel like the burden of responsibility is on their shoulders. And while maybe they have people to delegate to at the end of the day, the buck stops here. And so that's very lonely. Number two is that they tend to have conflict or friction with others, other people don't get them. Other people aren't growing as fast as they are other people don't have the same sense of urgency, and they feel often misunderstood. Number three is that they are people who really, really feel like something's slowing them down, and they can't figure out what it is. And so there's a sense of constant or Chronic dissatisfaction. Like they think to themselves, I shouldn't be further ahead. What's wrong with me? What's slowing me down? What's wrong with my team? What's going on? Why is it so hard, and there's this niggling feeling like, they need to work harder, they need to hustle more, and that, you know, if they only put in a little more than they would get to where they want to go. And number four, it's a term that I invented, it's called slippage. There are people who lead very important things slipped through the cracks, things like perhaps their health, their sleep, their fun, maybe they're not taking enough time to rest, maybe they're not spending a whole lot of time with their friends, because they have this idea that they need to be working. And so a lot of times, maybe they're eating too much drinking too much, but really not taking care of themselves. And you see the wear and tear on their, on their health, their bodies, their minds, all of the above,

Andrew Stotz 04:05
isolated and alone conflict with others, Chronic dissatisfaction, and slippage, where important things are slipping through the cracks. So for any of the listeners that are going through some of that, listen, because we're gonna have some fun, and um, just out of curiosity, maybe you could just tell us a little bit about how you do what you do, you know, the kind of that's who I'm thinking about, like what you do and how you do it so that people can know your stuff

Kim Ades 04:33
so, so philosophically, because we come at it from a very unique vantage point. The idea is that the way you think will determine the results, you get, period and the story so the biggest impact on your outcomes is going to be your thinking, your beliefs, your values, like your perspective, the way you come at things. The problem is that to a great extent, you're not aware of your thinking Do you have a blind spot? We all do. We're not aware of this very important relationship between our thoughts and our results. And so we keep going at things, we keep trying to do things in the same old way. And the reason we keep trying just to do work harder, just do what, you know, more better harder, is because of that blind spot, because we are still thinking about things the same way. So when we talk about my approach, what I'm really interested in is how are these highly driven individuals thinking? How do they think about everything? How do they think about themselves? Their relationships, their work, the environment, their upbringing? The world at large? How do they think things are stacked up for them or against them? How do they see everything? What do they believe to be true about absolutely every subject? So how do we coach, because these people are, as I said, very driven, we create a very intense upfront coaching process. So those first 10 weeks are critical, where there's a coaching call, every single week, we record every single call. And the reason we record the calls is so that they could listen to the recordings and hear themselves speak, hear what they're saying, how they're saying it, what their stories are, and how they're telling the same stories over and over again, and how their struggles are the same, but maybe in different costumes. And then in between every call and here's part of the secret sauce, is we ask our clients to journal in a private and secure online journal with their coach every single day for the duration of those 10 weeks. So at the beginning of the week, they get a journaling question or a prompt, they start journaling. And every time they journal, their coach reads and responds to the journal asking for more questions asking deeper, peeling back the onion, really understanding the heart of the matter? Like what is driving this person? What are the beliefs that are causing this person to feel trapped and stuck. And what we do is we help them shift their thinking in order for them to more easily achieve the results they are going for. And so this intimate relationship via journaling, in addition to the calls, creates, like a very special experience for the client, because they're doing such deep work every single day.

Andrew Stotz 07:17
That's amazing. I mean, in particular, the daily journaling is such a great idea for the follow up because I think with the coaching stuff, it's like yeah, we had a great session and all that. I'll see you next session.

Kim Ades 07:28
Exactly, exactly. So from the coach's standpoint, the coach is collecting all this data in between calls. So that really equips the coach to come to the call, prepared to do some deep work. But at the same time, the client is doing the work now every single day, you know, in between, there's no silence, and there's no forgetting. And it's not like when you get to the call, you have to catch up. So what happened last week, the coach already knows what happened last week because of clients journaling.

Andrew Stotz 07:58
Fantastic. So your thinking, and your beliefs drive your outcomes. Yes. But most people aren't really aware, maybe they're not even aware of what their thinking and beliefs are yet, let alone that their thinking and beliefs drive their outcomes, you call this blind spot. And then you talked about, you know, the initial 10 weeks is critical with the weekly call and just amazing the private online secure journal, where the coach, you know, the person being coached is writing every day. And the coach reads and responds to what they're writing, which keeps the engagement and just amazing.

Kim Ades 08:38
And the thing is that our beliefs drive everything. Right. The problem is we're not even aware of some of the things we believe.

Andrew Stotz 08:48
And, you know, I, I have something I do like I call it a mantra where I say I'm healthy, wealthy and attractive. And then I write down what does it mean to be healthy? What does it mean to be wealthy? What does it mean to be attractive? And for those people who can't view the screen, you could be knocked out by my stunning good looks. But actually what you're surprised to know is that I'm not talking about physically attracted my attracted destined definitions by attract good people and good things. Amazing. And then I and then after that I've written down underneath that the daily actions that a person who is a tractive would be doing, and then I aspire to do those things.

Kim Ades 09:33
Yeah, here's what's interesting, in a way you're talking about affirmations. Right? Yep. And I mean, I have a certain perspective on affirmations. If you stand in the mirror and you say, if I say I'm healthy, wealthy and attractive, and I don't believe it. If in the back of my mind, I'm saying yeah, who am I kidding? Then that affirmation can have a negative impact, but what you are talking about what you are doing by writing down what it means and defining it makes it believable for you.

Andrew Stotz 10:06
Oh, man, so I'm getting my coach and right now I love it. And the idea to it when I tried to put some physical action to it, so I say, what does it mean to be wealthy? To me, it means. And for those people that can't see, I'm holding on my hands to the sky, and I'm saying, money flows to me.

Kim Ades 10:28
Money flows to you. So there you go. And the thing is about about these affirmations is, again, they must be I liked the term buyable. If you don't buy it, it doesn't work. In avea, like, I don't buy that.

Andrew Stotz 10:45
It's your personal you personalize what it means sounds like because otherwise, it's just, I'm good looking. And people like me, well, okay, that kind of works. But you know, if you don't believe that, you got to really put a better narrative on it maybe or a more more personal narrative.

Kim Ades 11:03
Right, and you've got to, you've got to start from a place of believability. And then you need to trade up one thought at a time. And that's how I look at the meat in the mirror. And I say, Wow, I'm a supermodel. Right? The back of my mind is going, like who are you know, like, really? Who are you kidding? What kind of joke? Are you telling me? But if I look in the mirror, and I say, hey, like, I look pretty good for my age? That's something I would believe. So we must, we must always start from looking at what is it that we really believe. And sometimes some of the things we believe are harmful to us are actually hurting us. And we're not even aware of that. I'll give you a perfect example. I have two siblings. And I was born 13 years after my brother. And I used to go around going yeah, I came by mistake, I was a mistake. So imagine living life thinking your mistake. Not a good belief, right? Not useful, almost even harmful, detrimental. But I you know, I thought it was like kind of funny, but part of me felt like yeah, I wasn't mistaken. My parents didn't mean to have me I kind of like appeared on them. Surprise, right. And so when you start to investigate, when you start to learn, the beliefs you have about yourself, you will be shocked at what surfaces, how much of your beliefs are actually detrimental. And you were not even aware of that.

Andrew Stotz 12:40
I have a great story to tell us about how about this. And I think your story is very good, too. Because I also tell people like imagine you had two kids and you tell them, the one of them. You're stupid. And the other one, you're smart. And then you just repeated that every day. You're stupid, you're stupid, you're stupid, you're smart, you're smart, you're smart, what's going to happen, you know, like, it becomes very difficult to overcome that. But I have an interesting story. Seven years ago, my mother and my father passed away and I brought my mother from North Carolina to live with me here in Thailand. And we've been together here for seven years. It's been an amazing seven years of our lives. And but for pretty much all my life, I never ate shellfish. Just not interested. You know, I can eat fish. But for some reason, I don't know why I just don't eat shellfish. So my mom came we were talking after a couple of years. We were talking about you remember that the time when we had the holiday when we were kids? And we went to the beach? Yeah. Okay. And, and then she says, yeah, do you remember that? That Daddy got sick with hepatitis, and the girls did too. And it was only you and me that weren't sick. And they were quarantine in their room. That was when they used to quarantine the sick people, right? Yeah. And so they quarantine in their rooms. And we were like, you know, my mom was preparing the foods and all that it took a while to get over to hepatitis. And I said what was the hepatitis called by caused by she said, shellfish. She said that, you know, they thought that it was coming from the clams or some other muscles or whatever that they were eating at that time. And I was like, being, oh, my God, my whole life. I never liked shellfish, and I never really I didn't know why. And then it just connected it and realize that we're just programmed.

Kim Ades 14:36
We are programmed. So your program was if I eat shellfish, I will have hepatitis. Who needs that? Right. So that's how things turned out for you. Yeah, we're not aware. This is the thing and it's very important. We are not aware of our programming. And so when people are frustrated when they're struggling when they're not understanding why they're getting or or not getting to where they want to go. It's because of the programming is because of that. And so my job is to understand the programming is to understand the narrative, it's to understand the beliefs and say, Hey, this program is it here is the programming for starters. And this programming isn't really working for you. So let's see if we can trade it up for something a little more useful.

Andrew Stotz 15:24
I'm curious, you know, I was in therapy when I was young, and some Drug Rehabs that luckily worked. And I think tomorrow, I'll celebrate 41 years of sobriety, which is amazing. But my counselor, who was my counselor, back then, who is now the program director of that same treatment center, incredible. Mike mattoni. He used to say to me, you can't think your way into better acting, you have to act your way into better thinking. And that definitely worked for me, because I realized, sometimes I would just be sitting in my head, and then I just, like, just go do what a healthy person would do. But I've also come to realize that, you know, the power of the mind, the power of thought is also an element. I'm just curious for people as you start to work with them. Is it about you've got to make these realizations? Or is it that, hey, I'm going to push you or encourage you to start doing what you're, and I found out what's holding you back, but we may not be able to immediately fix that. Just how do you

Kim Ades 16:32
ever have you ever come across a person who's in a very unhealthy relationship, like I have, I do almost every day of my life, right? And, and it's clear as day they're in a bad relationship, they should get out, but they can't get out. You can tell them till they're blue in the face, hey, this is a bad relationship, you know, you should leave as soon as you humanly can. But for the life of them, they're trapped, they cannot get out. And it's not that they don't know, physically what to do. But something stops them from taking that action. Right. So we'd love for some people to just get up and go and get, you know, come on, just take started taking action, right? Just get to it. But something paralyzes them. And if we don't take the time to understand the paralysis and unlock it, they'll stay there for a very long time. I've seen it. Yeah, that over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Andrew Stotz 17:36
And it sounds like also, you know, they've probably got friends or family that go, you gotta get out, come on, you know, but there, that's a hard one. Whereas maybe someone like yourself is helping them observe. And you're planting a seed helping them to start to become aware. So that then when the time is right, they know what to do.

Kim Ades 17:58
Yeah, and I will add this, how much of our lives is driven by fear? unconscious fear, we're not even aware of it. Right? And so what we need to do is, like, surface that fear, and say, Okay, so here are the fears. How real are they? How much are they invented? Or made up? And how tightly Are you wrapping your arms around this fear? Oh,

Andrew Stotz 18:28
what a great discussion. And I know for the listeners and the viewers, you know, there's so much to unpack there and to think about, you know, and we're gonna talk a little bit more about that, I think later. But for right now, let's get into this worst investment. Oh, my gosh, well, now it's time to share your worst investment ever. And since no one goes into their worst investment thing it will be telling, take a minute and tell us about the circumstances leading up to it, then tell us your story.

Kim Ades 18:53
Okay, I'll tell you my story. So before I ran this company frame of mind coaching, I used to own another company called upward motion. And upward motion. I had two business partners. The one of them was a good friend of ours, and the other one was my ex husband. So hopefully that tells the story, right, for starters. But what did we do at upward motion? We used to build software we used to build simulation based assessments. The purpose of those assessments was to help people make better hiring decisions. And as my marriage was unraveling, it was becoming harder and harder to maintain that partnership. It was just tough was just hard. And what ended up happening Long story short, and I'm gonna make it a little short is that I ended up selling my business to my ex husband. The problem is I didn't know anything about selling businesses. I was fairly young, and I didn't know Anything about taxes or tax law or anything like that, you know, I was so emotionally in a state of upheaval that I just wanted to get out, I just wanted things to end, I wanted peace in my life. I wanted to move on with my life. I hated the conflict, I hated the tension, I wanted everything over. So I made a deal without really understanding the deal I was making. But I made the deal. And I thought, Okay, I'm walking away with a whole bunch of money, great, fine, I'll figure out my life. I'll move on to the next thing. It was hard for me because you know, it was very attached to the business. But I continue. About three years later, I get a reach out from Revenue Canada saying I did not pay my tax bill. And I now owe $300,000. So it's not that it was an investment. But it was a decision that I made, I would say hastily. Because I was so emotionally embroiled and tired and frustrated that I did not I was not thinking clearly. And I did not understand all of the implications, and the consequences of the way that the deal was made. And to be honest, what happens after and you know, I was not in the right hands at all.

Andrew Stotz 21:32
How would you describe what you learned from this?

Kim Ades 21:35
I would I just, I'm sorry, I have a bug flying around? How would I describe what I learned, I learned that when things are very stressful, it's a good idea to slow down instead of speed up. Because when you speed up, because you just want it to end, you tend to make mistakes. And it's okay, if things are tense, like you can tolerate the tension. At the time, I was unable to tolerate the tension. So one of the things I learned is how to tolerate the tension, and slow things down and not be pushed or forced into making a decision without understanding all of the elements or all of the pieces. So that's something that I have taken to heart and have run with, like, if you don't understand what's going on, don't just quickly make a decision. Slow it down. Get your information, ask the right people, make sure you understand fully what's going on. And don't be pressured into something that's not the right fit for you. I think that's very important.

Andrew Stotz 22:41
Yeah, I mean, the interesting thing about your story is that what you're describing as some internal pressure, a lot of times we're facing external pressures, someone's like, come on, you got to do it. Now the deadlines coming down. And sure, there were some external pressures, probably, but the internal pressure, like I just want to get out of this, and I just don't want this pain anymore. That type of internal pressure can really get you to, you know, to do something, you know, that's really not in your interest.

Kim Ades 23:07
Right. So, you know, we're in talking moments in moments ago about the person who stays in the relationship way longer than they need to, because they're afraid to make a move. And there are also people who take action much faster than they need to, because they can't stand the heat. Right, they just need to get out. And so they make rash decisions, and they make mistakes along the way, they leave a little bit of dust in their wake.

Andrew Stotz 23:38
So based on what you learned from this story, and what you've continued to learn your life, let's imagine now somebody listening to this is feeling the pressure that they've got to make some kind of decision. What's one action that you'd recommend our listeners take to avoid suffering that same fate?

Kim Ades 23:53
Well, one of the questions I would ask is why? What is the rush? What is the belief you have that makes you feel like there's an urgency to making this decision? And a lot of times we feel that there's pressure, and you're exactly right, that we put upon ourselves. So where does that pressure actually come from? What are the facts around pressure? What are the timelines, let's really look at when this decision needs to be made. And let's look at whether or not you're prepared to make the decision. If you have all the information and all the facts.

Andrew Stotz 24:30
It's also a great point to is oftentimes in negotiations, the person who can sit on the uncomfortable situation, the uncomfortable silence, the uncomfortable communication, and you know, don't accelerate it, don't but don't, don't slow it down. Just just sit through it. You can win almost all the time. That's

Kim Ades 24:55
100% Right. And I think for me, like I was when I was younger, and the There's no way I was so uncomfortable sitting in the discomfort. I was just like it was eating away at my soul. But I think as you age, you're able to handle the discomfort a lot better.

Andrew Stotz 25:13
It reminds me of reed Hoffman, it's common that to be to be an entrepreneur means you have to have many fires burning, meaning a fire is destructive. And it could catch the whole building on fire, and everything could go down. And when you're an entrepreneur, you can never do everything. And I got plenty parts of my business, I'm looking at, like, I gotta work on that part. But I don't have time because I've got to deal with this fire. And so the kind of that concept of many fires burning, it's okay, I just know that there's times that I'm going to have to focus on some things. I can't fix everything at the same time. So

Kim Ades 25:53
yeah. So I, you know, I live and learn, right, like it's part of life to make mistakes, and learn through them. And, you know, you asked for an investment mistake, it wasn't exactly an investment, but it was a massive mistake. And one of the things I learned is how to rebound, how to recover from that, because that was like a big financial blow for us. And what did we learn, okay, so I can do my nails at home, and I don't need to go to the hairdresser to get my hair colored, I could do all these things at home. And I, I know, you know, we can put, you know, create a budget and we don't, you know, we can drink water instead of pop and juice and all these extras, right? And it could be just as fun and it doesn't have to feel like a massive, you know, kind of knife to the heart it can feel okay.

Andrew Stotz 26:42
Yes, sometimes when you strip away all the things, and you get down to the brass tacks, in fact, you actually improve your life. Now, let me ask you, what's a resource that you recommend for our listeners?

Kim Ades 26:54
I mean, I'm biased, but I really, really recommend journaling. The reason I recommend journaling is because journaling allows you to put your thoughts down. And first of all, we carry so many thoughts inside of us, and we turn them. And so we when we put our thoughts down, it's like a bit of a release, then when we put them down, we're able to look at them and say, hey, does this thinking lead me to where I want to go? And what you'll find is a lot of thought, leads us away from our goals. And that's something that needs to be addressed. But I think it's one of the most underused most powerful tools at your disposal. And, and it's extremely useful to help guide you towards your destination.

Andrew Stotz 27:39
I'm curious how you deal with people like clients and stuff that say, Oh, I've never journaled and I don't know, you know, I don't know how or I don't know, if I have time or something like that, what would be?

Kim Ades 27:50
Well, it's part of the process. It's why people hire us. It's because of the degree of intimacy. And like when you journal every day, the coach shows up every day. So it's communication with your coach on a daily basis. So you know, that is the reason they select us over others. Like we have clients who go and interview, you know, like, I had one client who interviewed 17 coaches before hiring us. And so people do their due diligence, and they choose us because of the consistency because of the intimacy because of the depth because of the kind of work we do. And journaling is such a centerpiece for all of that. So I mean, if you want outstanding coaching, understand that this is the process.

Andrew Stotz 28:38
Great, great points. Also, I think you've talked about a complimentary coaching call, maybe you can tell the audience about that.

Kim Ades 28:46
Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes people just need a chance to feel what coaching is like, and they have maybe a challenge that they're grappling with or working on. And so I always invite people to try it out, try out coaching. And the way that you do that is you go to frame of mind coaching.com. And right on the website, you can schedule a call and I will give you that call myself. And we'll have a lot of fun. I'll ask a lot of questions. And I'll help you see maybe some of the thinking and the beliefs that you have, that might be problematic for you. So I'm happy to do that. Just please reach out.

Andrew Stotz 29:25
What a great opportunity. All right, last question. What is your number one goal for the next 12 months?

Kim Ades 29:32
Oh, my goodness. Great question. My number one goal professionally for the next 12 months is that I believe that there that no coach should be coaching without using a journal. So my goal is to create a course called journal based coaching. I mean, we certify people already so but but to provide this course that would be He certified course, to the coaching community so that every coach in the world to the best of my ability is using a journal with their coaching. So I think it's a game changer. I don't I don't even know how people coach without a journal.

Andrew Stotz 30:16
Well, that's, that's exciting. And I can tell you, I am a coach to midsize family businesses in Thailand. And I have something called profit bootcamp where we help them double their profits in 12 months. And I have a lot to that program that I do. But I don't do journaling.

Kim Ades 30:36
And Lisa talk

Andrew Stotz 30:37
Yes, exactly. So but I just want to say that you've opened my mind to that, and I really appreciate it. So. All right, well, listeners, there you have it another story of laws to keep you winning. Remember, I'm on a mission to help 1 million people reduce risk in their lives. As we conclude, Jim, I want to thank you again for joining our mission. And on behalf of a Stotz Academy, I hereby award you alumni status for turning your worst investment ever into your best teaching moment. Do you have any parting words for the audience?

Kim Ades 31:11
Thank you for having me. Thank you for spending this time with me and I hope to meet some of you face to face or one on one at some point. But Andrew, thank you for all the work that you do.

Andrew Stotz 31:22
It's a pleasure. And that's a wrap on another great story to help us create, grow and protect our well fellow risk takers. Let's celebrate it today. We added one more person to our mission to help 1 million people reduce risk in their lives. This is your worst podcast. So is Andrew Stotz saying. I'll see you on the upside.